TRUTH

My new Wisdom of the Oracle deck came today. I gleefully tore into the box; painstakingly separated each card from the other; performed my new deck ritual and let our energies meld. My first energetic impression is that this deck is decidedly different from all of my other ones.

I can’t really tell you how I choose each card, because there doesn’t seem to be a proscribed way. I just pick, face down, what card calls to me. I chose my 3. As I was reading the meanings of my first card, tears began streaming down my face. Tears of gratitude, tears of release and tears to acknowledge TRUTH - finally Truth. 

I don’t know how it happened, and in reality, I don’t think I really need to know, but throughout my tender years of making sense of the world, I collected some pretty crappy beliefs about myself and my place in the world that left me stunted. Beliefs that kept me in the poor-pitiful-me mode; in the less-than mode; in the stay-invisible-at-all-costs mode. I’ve known this for years, I’ve done lots and lots of inner work to clear some of those beliefs and behaviors. I’ve progressed slowly but surely . . . and the operative word is that I’ve progressed, but keep reading to see what the cards say and how I understood them. . .

It’s exhausting, this inner growth, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. It mostly feels like fits and starts. Insight, processing, resting, then going back in for more faulty belief eradication. I think I’ve been tired more often than energized most of my life. I’ve had moments and even years of living in my Truth, but I have always fallen off the truth wagon for periods too.

So it was with no small acknowledgement when this card came up:

Never-Ending Story. Let me read you its interpretation:
There is a story woven through the imperfect fabric of life that tells of hurt and loss, rejection and humiliation, self-loathing and arrogance, and all manner of suffering borne of unnecessary drama. It is the old story whose refrain is that you cannot do this, must not go there, should not say that   — lest your world come crumbling down. (At this point, the tears are streaming down my face. Something powerful was happening here. It felt like the first time I’ve acknowledged that I Fucking OWN those feelings. This is ME. This is my base from where I operate. YES, it’s bullshit, but I own this).

The advice from this card: You must learn to love yourself through missteps and sabotaging moments. Use criticism constructively right now.  Better yet, stop telling this story altogether. Make up a new one. 

Most of you know that I’ve been focusing on Self Love this month (and for the rest of my life). So the irony isn’t lost on me. It’s instinctively what I need to do. It is perhaps the quickest way to bust those faulty, harmful beliefs so that I can shine in being ME. So that I can be happy, be filled with joy, be alive — finally, Finally, FINALLY. 

And the other cards? Pretty much the same - but kinder and gentler. This first card was like getting punched in the face. I essentially knocked the wind out of me. It is where I will begin each day to chisel away those beliefs that no longer serve me. I will be free. 

And just so that you know that Spirit will always answer you if you ask . . . Just yesterday I was writing in my journal about how pissed off I was at being, once again, STUCK. My exact words to Spirit were: "I AM READY - IF YOU NEED TO WUP ME UPSIDE THE HEAD TO GET THE MESSAGE ACROSS THEN DO IT NOW." Hmmm, I did ask for this guidance didn't I?

And my parting thoughts, because I can think of nothing else. I love myself. I forgive myself and I support myself Deeply, Madly, Completely.